the Now v Peterson

Mar. 29, 2018

An anonymous tweeter threatened to shut down my Website unless I provided equal time to different points-of-view. To remedy that, I have accepted the following from someone, I think the same someone who threatened to shut me down, who claims to represent a post-modern view that will nullify all other views. The writer of the anonymous tweet also wants me to sell his T-shirts. They are emblazoned with the slogan, “If you disagree with me, you’re disagreeable.” As catchy as that slogan is, I have chosen to keep my Website free of commercial endeavors. The writer of the following calls himself Zorn the Abdominal. He insists that is his or her or their real name, at least for “Now,” his or her or their caps, not mine.


This is about someone named Jordan Peterson. I dread writing this piece because it threatens my Now. I will tell you more about my Now later. Anyway, I always wanted to be a correspondent. I annoyed my parents as a child when, at the age of seven, I took out a notepad and pen to write down their answers to my questions. Was it fair that they sent me to my room after dinner without dessert? So they found candy wrappers under my pillow! Big deal! The Food Police! When I look back at their attempts to control my eating, I now understand that they were abusing their power. Parentism is the term we now use to describe their attempts to oppress my natural desire to eat. I don’t want to dwell on the past though.


My editor at the weekly paper I work for as a stringer told me to “write something, anything, but something.” My mother prefers to call me a freelance correspondent rather than a stringer. She says that a stringer sounds like a roady for some band who tunes their guitars. She is looking over my shoulder as I write this piece. She is my number one fan. I just wish she would stop trying to straighten out my den and stay out of the basement. At forty I deserve my privacy. She continues to suffer from Parentism to this day. Where was I? Oh yeah...


My editor asked me to write about somebody named Jordan Peterson, a darling of the alt.right. He is notorious for his support for Parentism, Knowledgism, Wisdomism, Genderism and a host of other -isms that have no place in our post-modern universe. Now I must give you a trigger warning. I say the following without any desire to micro-aggress against anyone, but I think it is necessary for me to explain what post-modernism is, to me at least. Your truth may tell you something different and I am completely on-board with that.


All ideas have equal validity in post-modern thinking. All people are the centers of their universes and everyone is a king of his, her, their, zed, ziff or zap universe. No one has the right to impose on another’s world view. The distinctions we make are the result of a delusion that insists on ascribing value judgments to people and things. “Up” is not really up and “down” is not really down. Why? Because someone else may see it differently and their opinion is equally valid. There is no good and no bad (except for one thing, which I will get to when I pin Jordan Peterson to a cork board like the ancient crustacean museum specimen he is. Sorry, another trigger for those who think lobsters have equal rights).


You get the picture. Or you have another, equally valid picture. In my perfect post-modern universe, all is Now, All is Here, and all is Me...and You (if you insist). My mother is stuck in a there-and-then universe. For example, she continues to insist that the pizza boxes on the coffee table need to be thrown out. But the pizza boxes are part of the Now. She says the pizza slices I forgot to eat are growing mold. But mold is Now and the Now is all that is real. I smile benevolently at her as she rants on. She is so Then.


Back to Jordan Peterson. I think I said that I dread this assignment because it threatens my Now. And my editor insists on a deadline which is so Then. I think he is stuck in the Then, but he insists that newspapers are the interface between Now and Then or Reality and Delusion. A necessary evil, he says. But evil implies good, another value judgment. I guess we are stuck in this corrupted Now and Then universe. That thought would be overwhelming but for my return to the Now and a Snickers bar. Speaking of which, I must remind my mother to never let my supply of Snickers run out. They must be part of my Now at all times. Their absence threatens to put a crack in the universe of Now I insist upon for my sanity.


Back to Jordan Peterson. Did I say I dread this assignment? Being in the Now keeps me from remembering the When.


I hear a chime! Dungeons and Dragons time! Deadlines are so Then!